How to Help Children Stabilize Their Emotions

Emotion and behaviour are non-conversational expressions. Effective communication of emotions can turn the immediate “problem” into an opportunity for learning and development. The following three steps would show you how to do it.

Discover changes in mood

Pay attention to children’s emotional changes. Emotional outburst has a development process. Parents and teachers need to observe the fluctuation of children’s emotions. When they find that children’s expressions and behaviors begin to differ, they should slow down, observe these changes, and describe the changes they see in calm and non-evaluative language. For example, “I see you crying” and “I see your eyebrows wrinkled”.

Name emotions

Then try to name the children’s emotions (that is, to help then children be aware of their own emotions). Please don’t ask, “What’s up with you?” “What is it for?” “Are you angry?”. But try to name the emotion you see, for instance, “I can see that you feel angry now”, “I can tell that you feel sad now”. The reason is that questioning makes communication sound more like questioning, and not all children have the ability to clearly describe their feelings.

Sometimes parents will be confused, “I don’t know what her/his mood is now”, which is common and normal. Then they just need to honestly express their feelings, “I don’t know what happened, but I can see that you feel bad now. If you want to talk, I would like to listen”.

Release emotions safely and establish boundaries.

Emotional problems are often accompanied by behavioral problems. Children will express their dissatisfaction or anger through behavior. It is healthy to express emotions, so the real problem is not whether to allow children to express, but how they can express safely. Adults need to help and guide children to use safe ways and tell them what they can do instead of stressing what they should not do. Children need methods instead of being criticized for how bad they are.

Example: “I can see that your eyebrows are wrinkled and your face is red. I can tell that you are really angry now (describe the change and name the emotion), but the book is not used for throwing (boundary). If you need to vent, you can vent on the cushion (method). When you are ready, we can talk about what happened (provide emotional support and guide communication).”

For teenagers who can communicate rationally, after their emotions are stable, try to use two-way communication to discuss problems, and then negotiate to solve problems.

Accept and understand the occurrence of emotions, and do not criticize without evaluation. Say “I see you cry. I know you feel bad. Let’s talk." instead of “When you cry like this, I feel very upset”.
Reflect respect and equal cooperation. The key to cooperation is to respect the ideas of both parties, not because I am a parent/teacher, so you should listen to me. Express that I care about your idea, I am interested in your idea, and I want to know what you think.
Guide the solution of problems in the negotiation of bargaining. “I know why you feel like this. I understand that if you do so, you will feel xxxx. But I will worry about the risk of xxx. Do you think xxx is OK?” The key point of the negotiation is that whether the children’s ideas are mature or not, please don’t rush to deny their feelings, take this as a chance of teaching, and let them realize the inadequacy of their ideas and other feasible solutions in one-on-one conversations, which helps promote children’s problem-solving ability while protecting their self-esteem.